This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
