I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
