just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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