I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
