My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
