Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
