True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
