so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
