Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
