My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
