I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
