the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I cut my penus on the lid.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
