fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
