she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
