woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
