I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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