I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
