The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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