Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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