Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
