I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
