I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
