I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
