Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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