I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
