I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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