Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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