Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
