I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
