Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
tell me about the eggs
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize