Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's like God shit irony all over that family
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
