Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize