So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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