3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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