Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
