I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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