remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
