so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
