your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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