I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
