One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
