the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize