hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
