I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
