Buhtt sex?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
