If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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