I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize