Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
