your parents love me but you hate me
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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