Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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