i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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