While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
