i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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