I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
