John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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