After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
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