Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
MIDGETS
????
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
